Religion, this complex amalgam

I'd started writing a post, then decided I didn't want to write it anymore. It still felt good to write it.

You know what doesn't feel good ? Not writing. It's been some pretty annoying weeks, last one has had too many shitty moments, and here I am, alone at last, and... I can't write. Worse, I don't want to write.

It's hard. Excruciatingly hard, to construct a world. I realized I am extremely limited in my imagination by my realism. I don't dare let it loose. Why ? I don't know. Afraid it won't be 'realistic' anymore. Hello in there, we're writing a FANTASY novel; you get to be unrealistic! It's prevented me from writing my latest Erjin post, simply because I realized my view of her city was far too 'human'. She's Elven, for pete's sake. The city is majoritarily Elven. And yet, as I described it to myself and overviewed it, it felt oh so shamefully human. Worse, 'realistic'. And let it be known I am not pleased with reality. I know at heart I hate humanity for being just that: human. Flawed in its design, bound to revel in routine and normalcy and even if it strives for that something more, it is still bound in utter normalcy: money, fame, family, you name it. It doesn't mean I hate people though. In fact, there are some people I enjoy, people who make this world a better place just by being themselves, and because they are being themselves. Honesty and justice rank very high in my list of priorities. Sometimes I fail at them. Overall, people who know me, recognize me for a few things: I'm frank, even rude; I'm honest, even blunt; I'm into Dragons. That last one can almost be called a trademark of me. You love it or you hate it, but as long as you respect me even if you disagree with me, then I'll respect you.

I'd read something on wikihow that got my fangs all curled up. I was looking on Google for some kind of guide on how to create a fantasy country, figure out some basic info and whatnot... I thus discovered wikihow. A little while later, after I danced in glee for my discovery, I looked up 'name god fantasy' or so because I had (wait, HAVE) issues naming my human empire's deity. I stumbled upon an article called "
How to Argue That God Exists (Christianity)". Let it be said right now I'd understood it as how to argue against christianity, and that their god is not my own, but I do believe he must exist in some form or other (as all other gods). Now, what got my goat are these two 'tips':

• Don't force your beliefs on people. It's rude. Teach them: That is kind, as you may save their souls from perdition (definition: "the future state of the wicked," dictionary.com)^[5]
• If you expect people to respect your opinions, respect theirs first while leading them to Jesus Christ.

I read these, and the first word popping up into my mind is 'sect'. The first one condones brainwashing for the sake of saving the person's soul. Pride is a sin: if you believe you can teach another because you have the only 'true' faith, then you're a sinner. The second one is everything that is wrong with christianity: the hypocrisy. You can't respect another person's opinion if you fundamentally believe they are wrong anyway, and you must convert them (pride again). Now, God created mankind in his image, but he also gave us free will; this means we have God's approval to not believe in him, even if he'd rather we do (but this is another debate entirely). Therefore, these so-called christians are committing a crime against their god, for not letting the 'heathens' not believe in him. I believe in Dragons and they've made me a better person. These christians miss the point that their god is love, and that to love is to accept another's differences unconditionally.

There are of course other (contradictory) points to that religion, which I don't know well enough to get into. But these are things I remember from class 15 years ago, and also things I feel are correct (but correct me anyway if you feel I'm wrong). Experience taught me that the forces you choose to 'worship' will guide you - it's up to you whether you choose the light or the dark side, or even something in between. Unless you choose a deity of war or dominance, which I don't believe God is about, then you've got no right forcefully conveying your faith. Faith is supposed to make you a better person, but won't necesarily make another person better. The most explicit and well-known example I can think of, is 'God bless America': does America really seem blessed to you ? The people who say these words, the highest ranking politicians (and gods am I seeing Bush right now), only say them to make you believe God condones their actions. God gave you free will: it therefore can't be his will that people get slaughtered, captured, tortured and humiliated, on top of losing their lands and their freedom.

Yes, I hate humanity on the whole. I hate the lies, the wickedness, the immorality. Thankfully, singular individuals redeem their kind. Smiling people remind me there are some who, like me, strive for a better life, and to promote it. The worthwhile individuals. I hope I'm amongst them, though selfishly I do believe so. Interestingly enough, I find those people to possess more animal instinct. Perhaps, to be more human, we ought to observe animals better, in the wild or even our domestic companions. Both my cats enjoy my presence. I take pride in this fact which, to me, certifies I'm a good human being.

On love and support

Though I feel hypocritical complaining about my better half's lack of support, I do need to do so. He's finally back at work and I finally, I do mean finally, have days to myself again, after about six months. In the meantime, I've not written anything significant aside from Erjin's blog (and I'm a day late with this). I've not done anything artistic, nothing of real import save to live, and to keep on going despite several financial difficulties, which in the end are all but minor inconveniences. As the cliché goes, as long as there's life, there is hope - I agree. The issues aren't over, but I have every bit of faith they will be soon enough - why ? Because I have every bit of faith they will be, period. I believe in higher powers, believe in their signs and even believe they'ved crossed my path several times before. Always for the better. I believe. Sadly, I believe more in them, than I believe in myself. Here is where the gripe comes in.

I mentioned to bf that I need support writing my novel - true and blunt. I tried explaining I need this support, but I don't think it really made its way through in that thick brain of his. Likely because he, in ways, feels unappreciated because of things I do and don't do. It's a vicious cycle. What matters to him matters little to me and, worse, is counter-productive to my well-being... this is where the artists' illogic comes in. I like to let my clothes hang on chairs. I do, in some ways I enjoy it even, not just for its practical value (I have all my work clothes at hand, which happen to be my home/outside clothes as well), but because I need that itsy bit of chaos to feel at ease. This is my necesary chaos. I understand it would bother another, especially if they were raised differently. I still need my chaos. Do not touch the clothes. It's not a lack of respect towards him (though I realize it indirectly is), but I imagine he does take it as such. There's then other things I don't do, where I know it's just not being alone for months that make me not care. Today, I vacuumed nearly the entire house, scrubbed some parts of the kitchen floor, put out the clothes to dry in the sun, and even emptied the dishwasher. I did not touch the clothes, and don't plan to. I am content with what I've done, and am going to work on the novel some, and write Erjin's blog. Tonight, when bf comes home, I'll ask him to read it. He won't do it. I'll feel unappreciated in my personal endeavour.

I think this is why artists need to show off what they do: feedback. Good, bad, critic, support, questions, everything: we need it. Bf isn't capable of it. I remember, in the beginning, I drew him a Dragon... a perception of who I see within him. I never really got the feeling he enjoyed it... perhaps he didn't know how to ? I imagine I'm the first and only person ever to make something like that for him. I guess I'd be confused too. But, somewhere deep inside, I still feel hurt by the lack of response, and even the fact it's stored away... it's safe, amid all our important real life papers. Still, I feel hurt. Turned aside for being different, and not quite capable to adapt to normalcy. Not that he asks me to be normal... not directly, anyway. I have no qualms with normalcy, just know that'll never be me. My life hasn't been normal since I was 14 and fell head first into a deep depression due to bullying. I could kick their asses now with no problem, but the girl of back then ? She's still with me, and she still remembers how it feels to be turned aside, shunned, plagued for being different. All I'd done was succeed at my exams after a couple of months of absence. That was my sin, and one classmate in particular apparently couldn't digest it. Still, this is a long time ago, and much water has passed beneath the bridge. But I remember. I'll always remember, and always fight injustice, wherever I encounter it. This is the blessing I've received from making it through the desert, so to speak. But a weakness as well, for without even but one person to believe in me, I give up, and start tagging along the nearest lifeline. Because I don't dare shutting myself out to do what I believe is important, for myself. If I shut myself out, I might not be able, or even want, to return.

I have several characters who are immortal. It's difficult to get into their heads, because it means letting go of the self-awareness that I, am mortal. I nearly manage to, freak out, then stop. It's a feeling of absoluteness, of existence without outside influence: power, possibility. Solitude. It's comparable in intensity. Terrifying, but also quite exhilirating. There was a time I had no personality. I created it, bits and pieces through roleplaying. I created characters, who grew and gained personality, and discovered my own through them, for better or worse. I've since glued the pieces together, which has made it harder to focus on the characters, for I need to tear down what I've built. This is where I need bf to understand how and why I need his support: to stay whole, even fragmented. I'm a terrible person when it comes down to showing love, but I also know the importance he has in my life, the necesity he has become for me to be... well, me. Perhaps I should try and explain this sometime, but... he already knows I'm crazy, let's not add to it. Besides, I'm not sure he could understand... I don't think I understand it all, either. All I know is: it's hard. I know what I want, I know what I need, yet I can't seem to get quite there.

Oh well. I should start writing. Farren's a bitch. For one chapter of novel, I need to figure out tons of intertwined information. It's nuts. And yet I enjoy it. Blegh!