This is the moment when, as you decide it is time to try and draw that continent's map, and do so while following already established countries and regions, you realize it makes no physical sense as is and you need to create yet more regions, which means more people and cities and history and details and thusly grasp your head in your hands, scream mentally for all hell to hear and shudder, and decide it's time to pull out the liquor. Which, for now, will be tea and probably chips. Since I'm not fat enough.
There's been a lot on my plate, of which nothing truly major, but all tiny little things have led to a slight burnout. I'm tired, don't sleep well, and thus am more tired. I can't really say I'm stressed though. It's just... one of those times when you're just not feeling well, with no reasonable cause, and figure something's happening, elsewhere, and is having an effect on you. A shift of sorts. Which kind of leads me to a thought I had this morning.
Everybody, at least once in their lives, has met this type of person that gives back what they receive. If you respect them, they'll respect you, and if you fuck with them, you can rest assured they will pay you back for it. You've got the people who do this consciously, by choice; then you have the people who start doing it before you've even said a word to them. In the latter, you've got the people who are paranormally gifted; then you have the people who rely on observation and instinct. I think I'm a bit of both, but as I am one who longs to believe in anything supernatural, I am all the more sceptical of it. So, I believe it has more to do with an acute sense of observation, and animal instinct. I tend to know right away who I can trust, and act this way, sometimes before even really knowing a person. Then there's polite people I only want to be bitchy towards, for absolutely no reason. And I tend to be especially good at picking out people who just want to screw me over, or whom I'm not to trust - even without their really doing anything special by that point. I just feel it. And return what I feel, rather than what I get.
I've got a name for people like this: mirror people. We reflect your inner self, and show you who you are. The times I've not listened to my instinct are the times I've regretted, so I'm learning to silence the rationnal, 'human' part of my mind, and simply listen to the instinctual, 'animal' part of me. Whomever has observed animals long enough, know them for being truthful, sincere creatures: if they like you, they'll show it; if they don't, they'll show it as well. I've watched my cats be in 'fights' around the yard: it amounts to a staring contest, with or without sound. A simple and effective way to show supremacy. Humans aren't very good at this. Humans, on the whole, seem unable to look into another and understand them. It's a useful ability though. But exhausting. It's not something I can shut off; I'm always aware of my surroundings. But it takes sight for the mirroring to be active, and even then it, thankfully, isn't systematic. And I had the bright idea to be a store clerk << there are times it's tough, but mostly it's an asset, since the majority of people who come inside are looking for help to find something, and it makes me happy to do so - because I make them happy. And when you get those uber-happy customers, well... let's just say I feel awesome then.
But when I'm home alone, like right now, I need to recharge my batteries. It's draining. Draining to be aware of so much, constantly, to think of so much so often... I am aware. It's a complex feeling. Like being half here, half over there, in a parallel place made for spirits and not bodies. It sounds tremendously dumb when I say it. I know this. Yet I say it. For me, it's a reality. I enjoy this life, but I can grow oh so weary of it. Like it isn't where I'm supposed to be, even though it really is. A sort of dissociation between realities, or maybe just the expression of wishful thinking. I don't know. What I do know is that I rarely feel alone. Right now, I feel watched - not in the paranoid sense. Rather... the accompanied sense. But I digressed.
Be I crazy or be I aware of something else - all I know is that it makes life really tricky sometimes. But, also really easy when you just know whom you are to trust. Or, sometimes, what you are to do. Who you are to be, and simply who you are. But I don't know this last one yet. Just that I'm me. And, for some people, that's just more than enough.
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