Last night, I had a psychological dream. What makes it psychological, you might ask ? The moment I was awake, I realized I'd just taken a tour through my own psyche.
I dreamt I was supposed to go to a wedding. I wasn't dressed right, as in, I wore a pair of my favorite jeans (it has golden flames at the bottom), and a black Dragon T-shirt (which is my favorite subject to wear). But I wasn't properly dressed for it, everybody else was wearing pretty dresses and suches and I wasn't, so I felt out of place.
(recently, we went to a wedding. It was for one of bf's nieces. It didn't go so well. Not only was I bored out of my mind, which isn't uncommon for me at obligatory gatherings, but I discovered that this side of his family has no idea what 'family' means. At the table of the newlyweds, no parents, only friends. We were shocked. I am still shocked and apalled, as I noticed how hurt the bride's mother was. This was nearly two weeks ago.)
Now, I still remained at this wedding party, and as I turned around, I came face to face with a person I thought I'd never see again. She stared at me with wide, shocked eyes at seeing me. I did not share the shock, and rather extended a hand in greeting. She gave her hand for a fraction of a second, just like a lump of meat sliding through my fingers, and then I said: not in this manner. And I left.
(this person is a former friend. We were friends for 15 years, until I realized she really wasn't the friend she imagined she was, and that I simply didn't care anymore. Her dream reaction is not an exagerated one, I can say this with certainty. My reaction is how I would react were I to meet her: I bear no ill will, I haven't for a while now.)
People went after me to try and get me to talk to this old friend. They wanted me to try and make things better, but I told them quite calmly: I am not the problem, it'll have to come from her side. It was clear to me she didn't want me there, especially since it seems the dream was about the wedding of one of her sisters. Friends came after me to still try and persuade me to come along. As I walked away, I tore dozens of stories of a skyscraper off through telekinesis, but I ended up simply putting it back down because I realized the people in the tower had nothing to do with my frustration.
(at the wedding of bf's niece, I got so irate because I wasn't allowed to leave. I had to work the next day, it was 11:30pm and we'd only just eaten the main course. We were outside the room and my voice went shrill as I said I was going to break something. At that moment, I could've hit him, or shoved him into a wall, brutally. I was enraged.)
One person still followed me as the street became a sort of scaffolding hung above nothingness. The surroundings made me think of horror movies, yet now that I think about it more specifically the game Resident Evil 4. The scaffolding was sturdy, but there was no visible bottom. The walls around us, at about three or so meters all around the labyrinthine scaffolding, were boarded with grey or dark brown wooden planks, same as the floorboards. At some point, when the scaffolding became darker and the walls loomed further upon us, I told the person we had to go back. That's when the floorboards began to rumble and fall, and it is but through sheer will that I commanded the boards beneath our feet not to. I woke up soon hereafter as the scent of coffee pervaded my dream, and I opened my eyes to see my bf in the dark, holding out a cup.
The last part of the dream explored my psyche the furthest. I am a person of darkness. I know this. There's alot of it, and I am capable of destruction. In this context, however, it has a different meaning.
The wedding part illustrates my discontent when it comes to being forced into situations, which is a trait acquired because of the former friend whom modeled me into something I wasn't, and who simply couldn't handle who I really was once she discovered the true me. That is why I then fled into darkness, because it is a place where no one will follow me - it is also a place of danger, one I will only tread when writing. It isn't a truly safe place, especially for others, but my darkness is my own, and I don't expect nor wish anyone to follow me there. In the dream, I decided to walk back because I felt it was going to become dangerous for the person accompanying me. At the wedding part, I decided to leave because I didn't want to ruin everyone's fun. I suppose it makes me as altruistic as it makes me selfish. I choose my actions with knowledge of possible consequences; I'd rather people complain I wasn't there, than about my actually being there.
All in all, I can't quite explain that dream to its full extent. I just know I learned something about me; or, rather, something I already thought I knew about myself, has proved itself to be correct.
And perhaps more surprisingly, I slept great. But I was glad the dream ended when it did.
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